My husband, Matthew died a couple of months after my second miscarriage from an accidental prescription drug overdose.  It was an enormous experience for me.  I had just moved to a new area and had no support network.  My family was all in Australia.  My yearlong marriage to Matthew was my first major relationship after my divorce 7 years prior.  With Matthew I thought I’d found my life partner, my future and my family.  I was shattered beyond belief when I found him dead.

I was so hard on myself through my grief.  I judged myself for not grieving ‘the right way’, for not crying enough.  I was so disassociated from the shock I couldn’t feel much for a long time.  I isolated myself.  I felt I needed to shelter myself from other people’s reaction to my pain, I couldn’t bear their discomfort with grief in my acutely vulnerable state.  

My daily practice of yoga and meditation I’d had for years helped.  The morning after he died I got up and sat in front of my alter, which was sitting next to my husbands and I sent him all the love, energy and blessings I could muster.  I lit candles, I offered his soul Reiki.  And then I collapsed.  I lost my faith.  I was so angry, so, so, so angry.  The rage that emerged was a terrifying force I felt would devour me.  And then I would feel him.  He’d answer a question so clearly with a gust of wind or an explosion on love in my physical being that defied logical comprehension.  With renewed wonder, I’d return to my practice and my belief in the eternal.  The knowing that he was now more available to me as spirit than he ever was before.

It was all perfect.  I have learned an immense amount myself and ultimately my grief broke my heart open so deeply.  Because of my gratitude I want to offer myself and some of what I’ve learned to you in the hope that you will find it helpful.